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Tennis Funnies

Coaches beware! (Thanks to Peter)

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. When they arrived, the doctor said that they have just introduced a new machine which transfers a portion of the mother's pain to the father.

"Would you be willing to try it out?" asks the doctor.

"Yes of course," says the husband, who is very much a Sensitive New Age Guy. As the woman goes into labor, the doctor sets the machine to 10 percent and asked the man if it hurts.

"No, it's fine," he uttered. The doctor raised the setting to 20 percent. "Still okay," said the man. The doctor gradually lifted the setting to 50 percent. The husband closed his eyes and gritted his teeth, but insisted that he can cope without any problem, so the doctor raised it gradually to 75 percent.

"I can take it," said the husband. "Give me the full 100 percent." So the doctor did, and the wife gave birth to the baby with no pain at all. The doctor went out to write up the case for The Lancet, while the couple took their baby home.

On the doorstep they found the wife’s tennis coach, dead.

The Tennis Player's Prayer (Thanks to Roland)

Please don't let me be so nervous
When I toss the ball for service.

Give me speed and strength unhalting,
Aces and no double-faulting.

Instill in me the skill and dash
Of Agassi, Williams, Roddick and Ashe.

When a high lob starts to fall,
Must I always miss the ball?

Lord, I know you could, I'm sure,
Find me a Tennis Elbow cure.

With the guidance from above,
Never let me fall in 'love.'

And, Lord, while on matters of this sort,
Please let me find an open court!!

Jokes (Thanks Roland)

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

Q: How many tennis players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "What do you mean it was out, it was in!!!"

One liners:

Pre-match intimidation (Thanks Roland)

Here are some pointers on how to intimidate your opponent who you think is likely to beat you, but want a psychological advantage as that may be the only thing in your favour.

If you are still losing badly, concede the match just before match point pretending you have lost your racquet dampener.

The Ten Commandments of Singles

  1. Thou shalt serve 70% of thy first serves in.
  2. Thou shalt keep the ball in play.
  3. Thou shalt make thy opponent run to the ball.
  4. Thou shalt not try to hit the lines.
  5. Thou shalt hit to thy opponents weakness.
  6. Thou shalt move in and attack weak second serves.
  7. Thou shalt drop-shot opponents who can't run or volley, and lob those who cannot hit overheads.
  8. Thou shalt maintain a positive attitude and never give up.
  9. Thou shalt rehearse the correct way to hit the ball if thou maketh a mistake.
  10. Thou shalt make no excuses no matter how badly thou play, how windy it is, nor if thou hath a bad hair day.

The Ten Commandments of Doubles

  1. Thou shalt serve at 3/4 speed on thy first serves.
  2. Thou shalt not double fault.
  3. Thou shalt serve down the middle to cut off thy opponent's angle.
  4. Thou shalt return low and crosscourt.
  5. Thou shalt not miss returns, wide or in the net.
  6. Thou shalt move in and attack weak second serves.
  7. Thou shalt poach at least once a set.
  8. Thou shalt encourage thy partner.
  9. Thou shalt not glare, roll thine eyes, nor turn away from thy partner.
  10. Thou shalt praise thy partner after the match and not covet another partner, no matter how badly thy partner performs.

A Practical Guide to Match Play for the Club Player

Volumes have been written about the psychological approach to tennis. Pre-match training, diet, calisthenics; the physical and emotional preparation required to condition top players and sustain them through the pressures of competitive tennis.

Overlooked in most tennis texts are the practical aids which can shift the balance in tight matches and ensure victory for club players.

Recent research and study of the 'average' games are detailed below, and should prove invaluable to players of club standard:

The use of these points will add to your enjoyment and success in the game at club level.

And remember: The most important thing is not to win but to take part; just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing is to have fought well.

From 'The World's Best Tennis Book Ever'